Self Defense vs. Communication

I had a traumatic experience when I was in my early 20's. My ex-boyfriend and some former friends locked me into a very close friend's store essentially kidnapping me. They accused me of stealing money from the store. I defended myself and became so upset that I started crying. This emotional display further convinced them that I was guilty. Eventually, I lied and said that I had stolen the money and it was only then that they allowed me out of the store. I went to the police (I did not press charges) and I never spoke to any of them again.

Defending myself just made things worse, it was pointless. I've learned this lesson over and over. I learned my lesson big time after my divorce. My ex husbands second wife accused me of everything bad in the world including the bad weather. I saw her twice and barely exchanged more than a few sentences in person with her for 8 years. I knew her intimately though. She wrote and called my voice mail frequently, only once or twice communicating with me directly if she happened to pick up the phone, screaming at me in the presence of my children. My ex husband frequently followed up these screeds on his own with explanations as to how I was wrong and suggestions that I "talk" to her. I would try to defend myself but this just encouraged them. Because we had children, I had to train myself to avoid them when I could and if I couldn't, to ignore anything that had nothing to do with the children and their well-being. Luckily his taste in women improved dramatically after that.

I developed a serious antipathy to drama (both mine and anyone else's) over the years and tend to withdraw from situations that have even the slightest whiff of it. Additionally, my ability to sit and be with someone else's feelings completely flies out of the window when I feel like I'm on the defense. This is not at complete odds with a very sensitive, very aware child who grew up in a house where the ability to be stoic was valued. I love my family, so this is not an indictment of them. I picked up on so much that was never discussed. I learned denial very early. I learned to pretend not to notice uncomfortable things and most importantly that it was bad to express feelings that would make other people uncomfortable. The antipathy was bred into me against my own nature, to the point of self revulsion when I was the one causing the drama.

Unlike warriors, snipers don't engage in direct battle, the only goal is to hit a target and not to be one.

I suck at playing games. I've tried. While I withdraw from conflict, I sometimes become an opposing magnet. I still want to make things right and to fix them, as though I actually have the power to do so (I don't). Even worse, like my ex's second wife, I am rarely able to do this directly so that people can talk back to me. How can you shut people out and expect them to listen to you? How can they respond? Trying to "fix" things is manipulative even when you think that you have the best of motives. This is particularly true if you're the only one who gets to talk. "Fixing things" involves a level of dishonesty because in trying to manipulate things to your satisfaction you frequently have to hold things back. Trying to manipulate things to "set them right" sometimes involves blaming people without taking responsibility for your own stuff, trying to make them see how they are wrong and putting them on the defense.This is game playing. If you can't talk honestly about what you think and feel and hear to someone else, that's LYING. Unless you are a real expert, which I am not, trying to fix things to your own satisfaction just creates drama. I've found myself in a vicious cycle where I was avoiding the very drama and conflict that I had created, only to create more drama and conflict. The cycle didn't stop until I did.

Ultimately, I've felt that the only option besides this kind of indirect, cowardly battle is to withdraw if you don't have the courage to be a warrior. More than once, I have gone so far as to ruthlessly eliminate people from my life.

My personal goals (sometimes achieved, sometimes not) these past couple of years have been A) Not to lie, not little unimportant lies, not serious untruths and not the lies that we tell to protect ourselves emotionally, B) Not to defend myself, C) Not to manipulate or play games. I am now adding D) Communicate with clarity. I recently found myself in a situation where I felt that I had been so badly misunderstood that I was completely speechless. While my intent to be fully present was genuine, I was completely unable to find the words that would not only be honest but would not be defensive. I still can't find the words and I probably never will. At that first whif of drama, I thought that I wanted to just let go and to do it kindly. I didn't want to deal with it then and to be honest, in this situation I know that I probably never will. What I ended up doing was give up and I did it unkindly.

I am remarkably lucky in so many ways. I have so many very beloved and treasured people in my life. I hope that I never again fail to let them know how much I cherish them. I'm hyper-aware of where I'm falling short. I have been working very hard on this and I think that I'm doing well in spite of this recent incident. It was educational and I am grateful for it. All I can do is stay present in a situation like this in the future and be more graceful about it.